small things that aren't small

on being alive

Time has taught me that the things I was looking for were here this whole time.

When I was in college I saw the big picture of my life being the job offer, the West Village apartment, the standing ovations. The big things, you might say. The moments where you have something to show for. Finally, an answer to my biggest question. What is the point of all of this? What is the point of my struggle, my wanting?

As time did what it does best, when it changes you and makes you someone entirely new, I was left with the hollowness of my life. The climb to the top felt long, empty, and at times impossible. I didn’t know who I was or what exactly I wanted out of this body of mine, out of this life. So, I decided to completely change everything I knew about joy.

I had to stop looking down at my feet. I had to, even by force, tilt my head upwards. I had to put my yearning down and notice the orange bird that flew onto the balcony. The smile on the faces of the people I love. The sun on my back. The book I found for sale on the street with words written just for me. I had to fall in love with the mundane, the “small”, the moments that were right under my nose. With this came the realization that we have made this life, this journey to become, way too complicated.

What they don’t tell you about becoming more present, more aware of the moments in life that actually matter, is you start to see the “big” things as “small”. The career, the money, the apartment with a view, the capitalistic approval of my success. Those things never mattered. Success is a means to survive. Success is not living. To be alive is essential. To work, the hustle, to achieve— was not. The sun gave me my warmth.

“I'll never be who they want me to be, I’ll never match their plan. That’s okay; the moon made me. And she loves me for who I am.”